The Mystical C Language

C is a mystical language used by various wizards and magicians to invoke the spirits and execute spells through the magical entity known as the “computer”.
Mastery of C takes a lot of time, some people have even used various black magic such as things known as “search engines” to find the holy documentation of C. In fact, there’s a legend that all of the documentation of everything in the universe of the C language lies hidden somewhere; it’s known as the DEAD C SCROLLS (DEAD is the hexadecimal number 0xdead (57,005)). Many practitioners of the mystical studies of computer science have died trying to find it. One who holds the the dead C scrolls wields unimaginable power and knowledge.

Nonetheless, C takes patience and a willingness to learn. Once you possess the capabilities to use it’s power you must be very careful not to use it in a way to hurt yourself or others. Those who use C for good are called “programmers” while those who use it for evil are called “hackers”. Choose your path.

Here’s some simple code to display the message “hello world”. The first step is knowing what these arcane symbols and metaphors mean, and how to execute them as a single spell. Use the following wisely:

#include "stdlib.h"
#define initialize_magic asm (
#define freeze system("pause>nul")

int main() {
        "push %ebp;"
        "mov %esp,%ebp;"
        "sub $24,%esp;"
        "movb $72,-12(%ebp);"
        "movb $101,-11(%ebp);"
        "movb $108,-10(%ebp);"
        "movb $108,-9(%ebp);"
        "movb $111,-8(%ebp);"
        "movb $32,-7(%ebp);"
        "movb $119,-6(%ebp);"
        "movb $111,-5(%ebp);"
        "movb $114,-4(%ebp);"
        "movb $108,-3(%ebp);"
        "movb $100,-2(%ebp);"
        "movb $0,-1(%ebp);"
        "lea -12(%ebp),%eax;"
        "movl %eax,(%esp);"
        "call _printf;"
    //Say magic words to execute spell
    //Freeze energy flow to prevent spell from overheating
    return 0;

To cast a spell in C, just group together the magic symbols in a file and call upon the compiler spirit to make your code come to life. From there, just send your program to the current god of the operating system (known as the processor) to give your program power to execute. To help you get started, here’s a spell book uploaded by my apprentice, foo:

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